Recovering Freedom
by QueenHimiko
Summary: What if June had made a different choice? Spoilers for the end of the second season of The Handmaid's Tale.


**AN: I enjoyed the second season of _The HandmaidsTale_ until the last three minutes. Here is my attempt to rectify things. I hope you enjoy.**

* * *

"June!" Emily cries.

I turn and take one last look at Gilead. But will this really be my last look at it? Is it truly possible to escape this Hell? Time and again I have tried and failed. Do I get my hopes up again?

"Hurry!" Emily exclaims.

I turn and look at the van and the freedom it promises. Freedom for me. Freedom for Holly. Freedom for Emily.

But what about Hannah's freedom? Can I really abandon her again? I think back to her anger at me. What was it she had said? "You should have tried harder." What nightmares will she suffer while I enjoy my freedom with Holly?

I feel moisture forming at my breasts. They leak warm white tears for my first born even as it reminds me of the fact that I am the only one who can feed Holly. If I give Holly to Emily, Emily will have no way to do that. Somehow I don't think praying for Emily to miraculously lactate will accomplish much. How far away is it to the border? Four, five hours? Are we even running straight to the border, or is that too dangerous? Will we need to lie low for weeks like I had before? How long will Holly have to stay in Gilead? Even if it is just for hours, Holly will need to be fed again before then. I can't leave her. And going with her means leaving Hannah.

My heart lurches. I give Holly to Emily. Then I climb into the van before I can think twice. I sit down and close the door. Emily watches me warily as she holds Holly. Tears are pouring from my eyes as well now.

 _Oh, my Hannah Banana! I hope you can forgive me!_

Holly starts to cry. "Here." Emily says as she hands her to me.

I grasp her and undo my top. I put her to my breast. While I had fed her just before my desperate flight, the evening had been so chaotic she likely seeks the comfort it provides. Holly quiets as she latches on. I continue to weep as I stroke Holly's soft cheek. Emily looks around the van warily. We have only a single light to see by. A glimmer of hope in the darkness.

"Are we really going to get out?" she asks skeptically.

I sniff and wipe my nose on my sleeve. "A lot of people risked everything to get us this far. We owe it to them to make it."

I realize that I made the right choice. Rita and the other Marthas have done so for me and Holly. How could I even think of repaying them in kind by staying? Or is this how I am rationalizing leaving Hannah?

Whichever it is, I pray that they won't be harmed for helping us. Unbidden I remember Aunt Lydia telling me how everyone will suffer for my actions. Everyone but me.

But I have suffered. How much of it do I deserve?

We are silent for some time as I grapple with my overwhelming and conflicting emotions. I presume that Emily is struggling with her own but I do not ask about them, just as she does not ask about mine. Neither of us are in the mood to share our ghosts. I think about Hannah. What will I say to Luke when I see him, if I see him? That I saw our baby and I let her go again? That I'm coming home with Holly while I left our daughter in this Hell? And how can I even explain about Nick? While I first slept with Nick before I'd learned that Luke was alive, I continued to sleep with him after I'd learned different. How can Luke even begin to understand why I needed to do that? How can I explain that in a place so wretched and horrible that you grab love where you can to make it tolerable?

I suddenly realize that explaining that horror is exactly what I am going to have to do. And not just to preserve my marriage. No. I am not giving up on Hannah. I may have to flee to free her, but that doesn't mean I'm giving up. I can go back to get her. I can tell people the truth and we can create such an uproar that we pressure Gilead to give my daughter back to me. I can hire and find a detective to locate her and bring her back. There are even possibilities I haven't thought of yet, all outside the boundaries of Gilead. I will find them and pursue them all until my daughter is home with me. There may not be a lot that I can do within Gilead, but there is a hell of a lot I can do outside of it.

For some reason I remember a book I was editing when everything changed. It was about Harriet Tubman. She was born into slavery, and she escaped. She freed herself. She immediately came back and taught her family and many others to free themselves as well. But before this female Moses could free her family, she had to free herself.

A peace settles over me. I suddenly understand why I couldn't free Hannah before. And I never will be able to do it so long as I am in Gilead. I have to free myself first. I am not abandoning Hannah. I am taking the first step towards freeing her.

 _Hold on, my sweet Hannah. Just a little bit longer. Because I promise, I will find you. I will free you. And I will bring you home to be with Daddy, Holly and me._


End file.
